Life changes and stays the same

   I fell in love..again. This past Summer, I reconnected with someone from my past. He was the last person I dated before dating my ex-husband. I will call him P. It started out as a friendship and then it became more. I tried to tell myself that I was not "all in" but I was. Once P said "I love you" to me, I realized I too was in love. Damn it, how did that happen?  We had everything in common that two people can have in common. We could read each other's minds, finish each other's thoughts and we could not have been any more perfect for one-another. Along with the wonderful parts of love came red flags. I saw them, I ignored them and I excused them. Until I couldn't. It broke my heart, and truly was the hardest break up I ever have felt. It was harder than losing my marriage. With my marriage, I was numb. It was like after you have been hit in the same spot so many times, you just lose any sense of pain. But this was different. I took this really hard. I felt rejected (although I am the one that left) and I felt unloveable and unwanted and broken. I broke down one night crying so hard that I was truly afraid I was unable to stop. I could not for the life of me, figure out what I did wrong. I thought I had done everything right this time. I was so confused. I didn't trust myself. This was exactly the Hard Love that I had read about. The wrong love that you want so badly that you tell yourself is right. It isn't. 

  


     Fast forward... I reconnected with someone else form my past. We will call him T. Nobody I had dated or been romantically involved with. It was a friend of my older sister's. T was the silly BFF that was always around and teased me and was annoyed by me as the little sister. We texted, we talked on the phone (sometimes until 4 AM) and laughed, a lot. T made me feel good when I was feeling pretty unloveable. I found myself caring about this man who I had not seen in almost 40 years. Weeks went by and I had the opportunity to go to where he was living and while I was there we would see each other. We talked about going to a museum and to dinner and getting to know each other. I was excited and felt like maybe this is that "third type of love" I had read about online. The love that just happens, you don't go looking for it. Well that is not what happened. To make a short story even shorter, this one hurt which surprised me. I hardly knew this guy. T let me know he was in a different place and was not looking to have ANYONE in his life. He said he was emotionally unavailable and emotionally bankrupt. This should have made sense to me and I guess it did, but it hurt. I felt stupid and rejected and once again, unlovable. I realize, as weird as it is, and IT IS weird, I really care about him. I can't explain it. He just fits for me. He is right for me. So, if he is right for me, how am I so wrong for him? Is he perfect? No. Does he have baggage? Yes, we all do at this stage in our lives. As I muddle through the feelings I have for him, and the hurt I have over never really getting the chance to see where this could go, I realize I am not unloveable. I am not broken, anymore. I am who I am and maybe, when he no longer feels like he would rather be alone than cared about, I will be right for him. I miss his friendship and silliness and I miss him.I was not looking for a serious relationship. I was fine with the flirting, and friendship we had. A flirtationship. He just vanished.

  So what now...I tell myself that I am better off alone. I am ok alone. I am happy..alone. The truth is, I want to have someone in my life. I want to feel connected to someone. I want to share my life with someone. I have my kids, yes. People always say to me that I am lucky to have that. I am, I know that. There is something to be said for having people in your life who choose to be there. My family, as great as they are, had no choice. Knowing someone selected you to be in their life adds value to the relationship. So what have I learned? Not a whole lot of anything. It is hard to want something that you cannot have. It is hard to know that the men I have cared about have never really cared about me the same way. Which brings me back, full circle to being unloveable. I am a work in progress. I am working on being the best version of myself. I hope the next time I write on this underused blog, I feel better about love and relationships. I am tired of feeling alone.  

   Love in your 50's is anything but easy. Wasted time is real, wasted emotion is real. There are fewer options and fewer chances for connection. More than anything I want to remind anyone reading this that you are lovable. You are worth the chance, you are worth the effort. I will never spend my time trying to convince someone that I am right for them. I am who I am and I am, and I  learning to be ok with that. I am working on self love and I have started an Instagram account to focus my thoughts on that. If you want to follow it I have a link here . Fall in love with your life, the rest will hopefully fall into place.