Blog Archive

Thursday, March 7, 2019

Life changes and stays the same



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   I fell in love..again. This past Summer, I reconnected with someone from my past. He was the last person I dated before dating my ex-husband. I will call him P. It started out as a friendship and then it became more. I tried to tell myself that I was not "all in" but I was. Once P said "I love you" to me, I realized I too was in love. Damn it, how did that happen?  We had everything in common that two people can have in common. We could read each other's minds, finish each other's thoughts and we could not have been any more perfect for one-another. Along with the wonderful parts of love came red flags. I saw them, I ignored them and I excused them. Until I couldn't. It broke my heart, and truly was the hardest break up I ever have felt. It was harder than losing my marriage. With my marriage, I was numb. It was like after you have been hit in the same spot so many times, you just lose any sense of pain. But this was different. I took this really hard. I felt rejected (although I am the one that left) and I felt unloveable and unwanted and broken. I broke down one night crying so hard that I was truly afraid I was unable to stop. I could not for the life of me, figure out what I did wrong. I thought I had done everything right this time. I was so confused. I didn't trust myself. This was exactly the Hard Love that I had read about. The wrong love that you want so badly that you tell yourself is right. It isn't. 




  
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     Fast forward... I reconnected with someone else form my past. We will call him T. Nobody I had dated or been romantically involved with. It was a friend of my older sister's. T was the silly BFF that was always around and teased me and was annoyed by me as the little sister. We texted, we talked on the phone (sometimes until 4 AM) and laughed, a lot. T made me feel good when I was feeling pretty unloveable. I found myself caring about this man who I had not seen in almost 40 years. Weeks went by and I had the opportunity to go to where he was living and while I was there we would see each other. We talked about going to a museum and to dinner and getting to know each other. I was excited and felt like maybe this is that "third type of love" I had read about online. The love that just happens, you don't go looking for it. Well that is not what happened. To make a short story even shorter, this one hurt which surprised me. I hardly knew this guy. T let me know he was in a different place and was not looking to have ANYONE in his life. He said he was emotionally unavailable and emotionally bankrupt. This should have made sense to me and I guess it did, but it hurt. I felt stupid and rejected and once again, unlovable. I realize, as weird as it is, and IT IS weird, I really care about him. I can't explain it. He just fits for me. He is right for me. So, if he is right for me, how am I so wrong for him? Is he perfect? No. Does he have baggage? Yes, we all do at this stage in our lives. As I muddle through the feelings I have for him, and the hurt I have over never really getting the chance to see where this could go, I realize I am not unloveable. I am not broken, anymore. I am who I am and maybe, when he no longer feels like he would rather be alone than cared about, I will be right for him. I miss his friendship and silliness and I miss him.I was not looking for a serious relationship. I was fine with the flirting, and friendship we had. A flirtationship. He just vanished.

  So what now...I tell myself that I am better off alone. I am ok alone. I am happy..alone. The truth is, I want to have someone in my life. I want to feel connected to someone. I want to share my life with someone. I have my kids, yes. People always say to me that I am lucky to have that. I am, I know that. There is something to be said for having people in your life who choose to be there. My family, as great as they are, had no choice. Knowing someone selected you to be in their life adds value to the relationship. So what have I learned? Not a whole lot of anything. It is hard to want something that you cannot have. It is hard to know that the men I have cared about have never really cared about me the same way. Which brings me back, full circle to being unloveable. I am a work in progress. I am working on being the best version of myself. I hope the next time I write on this underused blog, I feel better about love and relationships. I am tired of feeling alone.  

   Love in your 50's is anything but easy. Wasted time is real, wasted emotion is real. There are fewer options and fewer chances for connection. More than anything I want to remind anyone reading this that you are lovable. You are worth the chance, you are worth the effort. I will never spend my time trying to convince someone that I am right for them. I am who I am and I am, and I  learning to be ok with that. I am working on self love and I have started an Instagram account to focus my thoughts on that. If you want to follow it I have a link here . Fall in love with your life, the rest will hopefully fall into place. Image result for love yourself

Friday, October 16, 2015

Life and Stuff

So as always, this will be a post of ramblings. It has been close to a year since I last posted. A year with so many changes. I became a Grandmother this year. The love I have for my granddaughter is different than other loves I have. I look at her and see so much of my past. I see me, I see my ex-husband, I see my parents who have passed away. I look at her and she is really everything good in my life. She makes me realize how much life really does go on. I hope someday she and I can talk about that. I want to tell her stories about my parents, about the parents her father had, when we were a family. I want her to know that although her grandfather has not seen her, or asked to see her, he loves her and is a good guy. He just is in such a different place. A place I can't understand. I want her to know how much we needed her to bring us all together in a way I think we were missing. She really has brought so much already in less than 9 months.

 My life has changed in other ways too. I have a new job. I love it. I was so sad to leave the last position I was in but this is such a promotion for me and I am enjoying it so far. New challenges, new people and new opportunities.

I found out this year that I can fall in love. I was not sure I could. Although I ended things for reasons that are personal and valid, I felt love and loved. I realized that although I thought Chad loved me at one point, I honestly don't think he did. I think he cared about me but I was never first to him really. I never felt protected, or cherished or honestly important. Someone has made me feel those things. I often listen to the way my adult children speak to and are spoken to by their husband/wife or boyfriend. I realize that I was never spoken to with that type of respect. I realize that I was never worth it to him. I realize that when he said I would die lonely and alone, he meant it. When he said I was fat, and pathetic he meant it. I think for a long time I told myself it was said in anger. But he meant it. I am damaged inside and I have a lot of pain that I need to work through. I had someone who was kind and made me realize that I am worth it and deserve to be loved. I had not been sure if I did deserve it before. I was not 100% innocent in things that happened in our marriage. I have never claimed to be. But even now, after 7 years apart and all of the painful things he has said and done to me, I still love him. I do not like who he is but he still is and probably always will be the man in my heart. I hate it. I wish it would go away but until I heal, I think that is how it will stay. I have never understood how he just moved on so quickly and I didn't. I was the one who left. I ended the marriage. It is like he never ever noticed. SO although my last post speaks of my happiness, I find myself here 10 months later caring. I care that the man I loved and had children with is dead and gone and some other man I will never know, is in his place. I know this sounds so pathetic and so off my main topic but I feel like I need to document this for myself. SO someday when I look back on this, I can see how I was feeling today. I miss the dreams I had. I miss the life I thought I would be having at 48. I just don't know my life somedays. I am happy. I love my friends, my family and life here. I just grieve for the life I thought I had signed up for.

Well this became a really off topic post. It is part of the year. It  is a step in the journey that I am on right now. I do not know where I will be a year from now, but I know that wherever I am my 4 children, their spouses and my grandchild are all I need right now. When I feel sad or lonely they are always there. I am so thankful for the love they show me and the love they show each other. I must have done something right along the way because I am very lucky to have them in my life. So here is to another 10 months. Hopefully next year I will be a little more healed.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Rethinking Things...
So if anyone knows me or has followed my blog, they know that I have been sad over the loss of my marriage. I am FINALLY GLEEFULLY over it.  I am not trying to slam my ex on here but after Thanksgiving drop off of our son, I AM OVER IT! I have put up with a lot over the years but this was the last straw. I am done being spoken to in that way, looked at that way and hurt that way.  I hope he is happy and finds something in life to bring him some joy but I AM FREEEEEEE!! The moment I have been waiting 5 years for happened, I officially do not care anymore. I am glad I am free of the hate, the negativity and disgust that he sees in everything.  To anyone in any type of abusive relationship, get out. You have the right and deserve the right to be happy. I am so glad I know men that are truly kind. Happy Holidays to all. I am truly over the moon happy.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

I got this item for free and I really love it. Give it a try. It is simply fantastic.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

VOXBOX

Well I want to share this fun little box I get every so often. It is called VoxBox. They send various products for me to try and review. This month I got

Avon Wrinkle smoother- love it. Great item and the packaging is gorgeous.
Breyers Gelato Coupon. I am dyyyying with how great this it. So decadent. YUMMM
Puffs Tissues  Sniffers- Little tissues so cute and compact.
Shell Rewards card- Great way to earn points and save the big bucks!
Neo To Go such a great product to keep in my car. Always nice to be prepared for scrapes and cuts.
Ivory Bar Soap Reminds me of my beautiful mother who always looked much younger than she was. She ONLY used Ivory bar soap on her face and she was always complimented on her skin.

If you are interested in being invited into this program shoot me a message and let me know. It is so fun !

Friday, March 21, 2014

The ramblling of my thoughts

I do a lot of thinking...I wish I didn't. I was driving today and had random thoughts running through my head. I wondered why it is my ex-husband dislikes me so much. We were married for 23 years and although not a lot of it was good (obviously since we are divorced) a lot of it was wonderful. We had 4 amazing kids. I do not regret my marriage, it gave me the best people I know. My ex recently told my 21 year old daughter that marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life and that he wished he had someone who told him not to marry me.I was speechless.

 There are many things in my life that I would change if I could. Some that are private and between me and Chad and others are obvious. I would never change loving him.He was VERY much my best friend. I miss that too. We grew up together in a lot of ways. We knew every good and every bad quality. I have zero memories of him ever lying to me. I loved that about him. I loved that I trusted him more than anyone else. I guess I still do.  I respect the way he worked so hard and how he always provided for us. I hope that he knows that. I take responsibility for pushing him into getting married when we should have waited, for having kids so young and for leaving when things got lonely and dark. Not a day goes by that I do not question my choice to leave the marriage. I love Chad. I miss him every single day. I find myself picking up the phone to call him and tell him things, and then remember it is not my place to. I just wish I knew why he hated me. He is engaged to someone now. So if she is who he loves, then shouldn't he be happy that I left? I am the one that has never moved on or fallen in love again.

My ex always said I would get married so fast if he died that I would bring a date to his funeral. This is funny and as we all know, so not true. I recently had a man, who I had feelings at one time (many years ago) tell me he loves me and wanted to marry me. I said no. I just do not feel like I can make a life with someone else. I am still, after years of divorce grieving over my marriage. I gave up. I left. I wanted my own life and to find happiness. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy-ish. I just saw this time in my life to look vastly different than it does. I am living the life of someone else, but I am not..it is mine. I chose this.

 My son in law recently asked my daughter if I wanted to get married again. I do. I want to love someone again.  I always thought I would wait until the kids were grown before I dated really. Well, that is now and I still do not have a place in my heart for someone else. How is it after years of divorce and even more years of feeling unloved, I still love him? So as I was driving I realized that sometimes you just love one person, forever. I am ok with that. I can be alone. It is better than being with the wrong person. Knowing nobody reads this and it serves more as a journal for me to look back on, today I realized I will live my life as a sister, mom, grandmother,aunt, cousin and friend, but not as a wife. I am ok with that. I have to be. My heart isn't available anymore, and for that I will always be grieving.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Valentine's Day _ REAL love

So many people hate this holiday and I can sort of understand why. We place a lot of our romantic value, and worth on the gifts we give and receive. It is sad really, to think that roses mean love more than a Snicker's bar from 7-11. But lets face it, it is how it is. I have never in my entire life had a REAL Valentine's Day. I have not gotten flowers, lovey cards or heart shaped boxes of chocolates...from a boyfriend or my ex-husband (side note..he felt he did not need to be romantic since he is not Roman. nice excuse). My father however always gave the girls ( daughters and Grand-daughters) beautiful heart shaped boxes of candy from Ethel M's. I love this. I miss this. Not because I needed the candy or felt unloved but because he always wanted us to feel special and we did. I have known real love in my life. My father loved me in a way that nobody else ever has. He saw so much potential in me, and a lot of not fulfilling that potential  at the same time. He knew that I was making mistakes at times, but he always loved me regardless. I have zero memories of him yelling at anyone. He was fair and loyal to me.  He taught me what real romance is. He believed in it and showed it to my mom through out my life. I always planned on marrying someone like my father, I did not. My son Scott has grown to follow the path of my father in so many ways. I cannot put into words the pride and love my dad  had for Scott. I think my dad loved me more after I had Scott, than he did before. He sort of felt like Scott was made just for him. I do not go a day where I do not miss my dad and wish I was able to call him. A brain tumor made that impossible. That tumor took my dad in a cruel, degrading way. I know my dad loved me. More than I have been loved in my life. I miss knowing I have that in my life. I hope my children know I love them the way my dad loved me. So Valentine's Day can have a different romantic meaning for some people. It is not always the type of love that is portrayed in commercials and ads, it can be a reflection of



the daily love that you feel when you know that your father loves you the way he does/did. I miss you dad and love you. Remind yourself to show the people you love that you love them, even if it is JUST a Snicker's bar from 7-11.

P.S. Best Valentines Day I ever had was 1990...with the birth of my daughter Taylor. Happy Birthday Tay I love you.