Life and Stuff

So as always, this will be a post of ramblings. It has been close to a year since I last posted. A year with so many changes. I became a Grandmother this year. The love I have for my granddaughter is different than other loves I have. I look at her and see so much of my past. I see me, I see my ex-husband, I see my parents who have passed away. I look at her and she is really everything good in my life. She makes me realize how much life really does go on. I hope someday she and I can talk about that. I want to tell her stories about my parents, about the parents her father had, when we were a family. I want her to know that although her grandfather has not seen her, or asked to see her, he loves her and is a good guy. He just is in such a different place. A place I can't understand. I want her to know how much we needed her to bring us all together in a way I think we were missing. She really has brought so much already in less than 9 months.

 My life has changed in other ways too. I have a new job. I love it. I was so sad to leave the last position I was in but this is such a promotion for me and I am enjoying it so far. New challenges, new people and new opportunities.

I found out this year that I can fall in love. I was not sure I could. Although I ended things for reasons that are personal and valid, I felt love and loved. I realized that although I thought Chad loved me at one point, I honestly don't think he did. I think he cared about me but I was never first to him really. I never felt protected, or cherished or honestly important. Someone has made me feel those things. I often listen to the way my adult children speak to and are spoken to by their husband/wife or boyfriend. I realize that I was never spoken to with that type of respect. I realize that I was never worth it to him. I realize that when he said I would die lonely and alone, he meant it. When he said I was fat, and pathetic he meant it. I think for a long time I told myself it was said in anger. But he meant it. I am damaged inside and I have a lot of pain that I need to work through. I had someone who was kind and made me realize that I am worth it and deserve to be loved. I had not been sure if I did deserve it before. I was not 100% innocent in things that happened in our marriage. I have never claimed to be. But even now, after 7 years apart and all of the painful things he has said and done to me, I still love him. I do not like who he is but he still is and probably always will be the man in my heart. I hate it. I wish it would go away but until I heal, I think that is how it will stay. I have never understood how he just moved on so quickly and I didn't. I was the one who left. I ended the marriage. It is like he never ever noticed. SO although my last post speaks of my happiness, I find myself here 10 months later caring. I care that the man I loved and had children with is dead and gone and some other man I will never know, is in his place. I know this sounds so pathetic and so off my main topic but I feel like I need to document this for myself. SO someday when I look back on this, I can see how I was feeling today. I miss the dreams I had. I miss the life I thought I would be having at 48. I just don't know my life somedays. I am happy. I love my friends, my family and life here. I just grieve for the life I thought I had signed up for.

Well this became a really off topic post. It is part of the year. It  is a step in the journey that I am on right now. I do not know where I will be a year from now, but I know that wherever I am my 4 children, their spouses and my grandchild are all I need right now. When I feel sad or lonely they are always there. I am so thankful for the love they show me and the love they show each other. I must have done something right along the way because I am very lucky to have them in my life. So here is to another 10 months. Hopefully next year I will be a little more healed.