Missing people and the feelings that childhood brings

 It is always so surprising to me that a simple song can come on Spotify and I feel so many feelings. Rocky Mountain High by John Denver came on and I instantly thought of my aunt Marie ( AKA Re-Re). She was my mom's little sister and I spent a lot of time with her growing up. I miss her. I miss her under 5 foot frame and her over 6 foot tall personality. 

I hear Hotel California and I think of my sister Lisa. She is the second of the 4 sisters. I am the 4th. Lisa and I have never been really close. I have so many memories of her music though. Elton John                 ( especially Rocket Man), James Taylor, The Eagles etc. I remember her smelling like Blue Grass perfume and her pale blue Honda Civic. I remember going to a Libertarian rally with her when I was probably 9 years old.  She seemed so sophisticated and worldly to me at the time.I thought she was so cool. She loved Burt Reynolds. That was weird.

Little River Band is my songs for Lori. I hear it and I almost feel sad. I miss sleeping in her bed every night even though we had our own rooms. I miss night swimming in the backyard all summer. Trips to Arby's and Jack in the Box late at night ..like REALLY late at night . I miss the pale blue color of the walls in her bedroom and her wood grain and brushed chrome stereo system  and its huge knob and  a smokey plastic record player cover. I miss her comic book collections. He weird love of super balls and keychains and trolls. She was the person i loved every single day but never really told. I hope she knows now. She is my person. 

Bruce Springsteen will always make me think of my brother Steve. He is a stranger to all of us. He has a life filled with secrets and lying etc. I love him and wish things were different but he made choices and none of have any interest in it but the songs still get to me. 

Pam is 15 years older than I am and although she was out of the house by the time I had a chance to make a lot of memories with her I still think of her when I hear American Pie by Don Mclean. I remember being in the car with my mom when I was about 4 and that song was on when we waited for Pam to come out to the car in front of her little bungalow style Beverly Glen house. She had her red hair in 2 braids and she kind of bounced as she walked. With her straw purse and red gingham dress, she was like a drawing you might see in a storybook. I thought she was larger than life then. I would spend the night at her house and we would color and play jacks. She turned 70 yesterday and it makes me feel like life is on fast forward. She was 19 in that dress and those braids and it feel like it just happened. 

My parents are Phantom of the Opera. Johnny Mathis, the soundtrack to Camelot and the 8 track tapes that came with the cadillacs my dad bought every year. They are the loves of my childhood life. The heart of everything until I had my own kids and then they shared that title and space. I miss the way my dad laughed softly yet boldly at the same time.  He was the most wisdom filled person I have ever known. He will forever be the man I compare all men to. I love that my mom was funny and sarcastic and smart and silly and never really paid attention to the fact that she was all of those things. They were sitcom, TV family, perfectly in love parents. Flaws and all. I was LUCKY and I wish I had told them more that they made me feel loved and important and good. 

I love my childhood. I was living in a movie.. evening beach bbqs with friends, trips to Palm Springs, drives to get ice cream with the top down, dinners at fancy restaurants and nights watching MASH with my dad and Little House on The Prairie with my mom. My dad reading The Hobbit to me even though I had NO interest in it. His voice was all I needed to feel safe and loved. I should have savored those days more than I did. I wish I could feel that contentment and love I felt then. I have never felt love like I felt from my parents. Life goes by so fast...take a minute to tell people you love them. You will never regret it...and when you think you have told them, tell them one more time.