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Friday, March 21, 2014

The ramblling of my thoughts

I do a lot of thinking...I wish I didn't. I was driving today and had random thoughts running through my head. I wondered why it is my ex-husband dislikes me so much. We were married for 23 years and although not a lot of it was good (obviously since we are divorced) a lot of it was wonderful. We had 4 amazing kids. I do not regret my marriage, it gave me the best people I know. My ex recently told my 21 year old daughter that marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life and that he wished he had someone who told him not to marry me.I was speechless.

 There are many things in my life that I would change if I could. Some that are private and between me and Chad and others are obvious. I would never change loving him.He was VERY much my best friend. I miss that too. We grew up together in a lot of ways. We knew every good and every bad quality. I have zero memories of him ever lying to me. I loved that about him. I loved that I trusted him more than anyone else. I guess I still do.  I respect the way he worked so hard and how he always provided for us. I hope that he knows that. I take responsibility for pushing him into getting married when we should have waited, for having kids so young and for leaving when things got lonely and dark. Not a day goes by that I do not question my choice to leave the marriage. I love Chad. I miss him every single day. I find myself picking up the phone to call him and tell him things, and then remember it is not my place to. I just wish I knew why he hated me. He is engaged to someone now. So if she is who he loves, then shouldn't he be happy that I left? I am the one that has never moved on or fallen in love again.

My ex always said I would get married so fast if he died that I would bring a date to his funeral. This is funny and as we all know, so not true. I recently had a man, who I had feelings at one time (many years ago) tell me he loves me and wanted to marry me. I said no. I just do not feel like I can make a life with someone else. I am still, after years of divorce grieving over my marriage. I gave up. I left. I wanted my own life and to find happiness. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy-ish. I just saw this time in my life to look vastly different than it does. I am living the life of someone else, but I am not..it is mine. I chose this.

 My son in law recently asked my daughter if I wanted to get married again. I do. I want to love someone again.  I always thought I would wait until the kids were grown before I dated really. Well, that is now and I still do not have a place in my heart for someone else. How is it after years of divorce and even more years of feeling unloved, I still love him? So as I was driving I realized that sometimes you just love one person, forever. I am ok with that. I can be alone. It is better than being with the wrong person. Knowing nobody reads this and it serves more as a journal for me to look back on, today I realized I will live my life as a sister, mom, grandmother,aunt, cousin and friend, but not as a wife. I am ok with that. I have to be. My heart isn't available anymore, and for that I will always be grieving.

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