THINGS ARE CHANGING

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I am sitting in a hotel in Logan Utah at this moment. I am looking out the window at the snow covered mountains and field between my hotel and the mountain and I am feeling so many things. I am excited for the upcoming move here. I am excited for Scott and Jen's wedding. I am happy about so many things. It is so weird that in the middle of all of the happy , goodness I feel a small tinge of sadness. I guess that is getting to be the "norm" for me now. I am sad to leave the place I grew up. I feel connected to my parents there. I am sad to leave my sister Lori and her kids. I am sad to leave behind memories of where I was married, and became a mother. I am sad that I look back to that time and it is like a movie of someone's life that I do not know. I thought this time in my life would be so different. I thought it would be family building, not rebuilding. I feel so alone and feel more and more alone as time goes. I am so proud of my kids. They are all so amazing and I am so proud of the job I did with them. I am not a perfect mother but I am a good mother and they are the proof. I want to feel happy again. The happy that I used to wake up to and fall asleep to. I hope that I find the happy I am missing in my life in Utah. I have the right to be happy again, to feel whole and good about who I am. Everyone deserves to feel that. I need to put my old life in the past, I need to admit to myself that Chad loves someone else and I will never ever be who he loves again. I need to admit to myself that it is time...to move on..life goes on..even alone.

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