Life as it goes...The next chapter begins...

 It is always so surprising to me that a simple song can come on Spotify and I feel so many feelings. Rocky Mountain High by John Denver came on and I instantly thought of my aunt Marie ( AKA Re-Re). She was my mom's little sister and I spent a lot of time with her growing up. I miss her. I miss her under 5 foot frame and her over 6 foot tall personality.  I hear Hotel California and I think of my sister Lisa. She is the second of the 4 sisters. I am the 4th. Lisa and I have never been really close. I have so many memories of her music though. Elton John                 ( especially Rocket Man), James Taylor, The Eagles etc. I remember her smelling like Blue Grass perfume and her pale blue Honda Civic. I remember going to a Libertarian rally with her when I was probably 9 years old.  She seemed so sophisticated and worldly to me at the time.I thought she was so cool. She loved Burt Reynolds. That was weird. Little River Band is...

 Well I found my blog after so long. SO much has changed. I moved to Hawaii. I am living the dream. Well...my dream. I have a beautiful home, wonderful friends and a life I have built. I have lost 60 lbs and feel so good. I left the LDS church and THAT has given me a sense of freedom. It was the final release from my life as I had lived it  in my 20's,30's and my 40's for the most part. My 50's have been MINE!  After moving to Hawaii in October of 2021, I began dating a really great guy named Craig. It was good. It just wasn't enough. After several months, I ended it. I feel good about it but every day I think about him, I miss him and I wonder if I rushed to end things. I am ok alone. I am pretty independent and I like myself enough to be ok with being alone. I just feel like there is someone and I can't figure out who it is, where he is. I am at the time in my life where I have more to offer than I have in the past. I have a good job, a degree and a good sense...

   I fell in love..again. This past Summer, I reconnected with someone from my past. He was the last person I dated before dating my ex-husband. I will call him P. It started out as a friendship and then it became more. I tried to tell myself that I was not "all in" but I was. Once P said "I love you" to me, I realized I too was in love. Damn it, how did that happen?  We had everything in common that two people can have in common. We could read each other's minds, finish each other's thoughts and we could not have been any more perfect for one-another. Along with the wonderful parts of love came red flags. I saw them, I ignored them and I excused them. Until I couldn't. It broke my heart, and truly was the hardest break up I ever have felt. It was harder than losing my marriage. With my marriage, I was numb. It was like after you have been hit in the same spot so many times, you just lose any sense of pain. But this was different. I took ...

So as always, this will be a post of ramblings. It has been close to a year since I last posted. A year with so many changes. I became a Grandmother this year. The love I have for my granddaughter is different than other loves I have. I look at her and see so much of my past. I see me, I see my ex-husband, I see my parents who have passed away. I look at her and she is really everything good in my life. She makes me realize how much life really does go on. I hope someday she and I can talk about that. I want to tell her stories about my parents, about the parents her father had, when we were a family. I want her to know that although her grandfather has not seen her, or asked to see her, he loves her and is a good guy. He just is in such a different place. A place I can't understand. I want her to know how much we needed her to bring us all together in a way I think we were missing. She really has brought so much already in less than 9 months.  My life has changed in other ways t...

Rethinking Things... So if anyone knows me or has followed my blog, they know that I have been sad over the loss of my marriage. I am FINALLY GLEEFULLY over it.  I am not trying to slam my ex on here but after Thanksgiving drop off of our son, I AM OVER IT! I have put up with a lot over the years but this was the last straw. I am done being spoken to in that way, looked at that way and hurt that way.  I hope he is happy and finds something in life to bring him some joy but I AM FREEEEEEE!! The moment I have been waiting 5 years for happened, I officially do not care anymore. I am glad I am free of the hate, the negativity and disgust that he sees in everything.  To anyone in any type of abusive relationship, get out. You have the right and deserve the right to be happy. I am so glad I know men that are truly kind. Happy Holidays to all. I am truly over the moon happy.

I do a lot of thinking...I wish I didn't. I was driving today and had random thoughts running through my head. I wondered why it is my ex-husband dislikes me so much. We were married for 23 years and although not a lot of it was good (obviously since we are divorced) a lot of it was wonderful. We had 4 amazing kids. I do not regret my marriage, it gave me the best people I know. My ex recently told my 21 year old daughter that marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life and that he wished he had someone who told him not to marry me.I was speechless.  There are many things in my life that I would change if I could. Some that are private and between me and Chad and others are obvious. I would never change loving him.He was VERY much my best friend. I miss that too. We grew up together in a lot of ways. We knew every good and every bad quality. I have zero memories of him ever lying to me. I loved that about him. I loved that I trusted him more than anyone else. I guess I still ...